Lies My Depression Told Me Today 16


I decided to write this post in the shower.

When I say that, I mean I made the decision in the shower, not that I brought my new MacBook (which my depression lied about already today) into the shower with me to write it. I went into the shower to cry because I thought it would hurt less than crying on my living room chair.

It didn’t, but I’m clean now and my hair smells really good, so fuck you, depression.

I know my depression is lying to me, but it feels like the truth. It feels like the truest truth ever told, and that’s scary. Because intellectually, I know it’s all lies. This is the first lie my depression told me: to trust my gut. I can’t trust my gut today, because depression lives there too.

My depression told me that I would just throw up anything I eat, so why bother? My depression has a friend called disordered eating and they hang out sometimes. I used to be friends with disordered eating too, but we parted ways a few years ago. I haven’t eaten anything today. I drank half a cup of coffee, and I feel sick, and I hurt so much that taking one of those deep calming breaths makes me want to throw up.

But I know my depression is lying to me, so I’m going to eat while I finish writing this post.

I tried to tell my depression about the good things in my life, so it would see its own lies. I told it about my awesome family, and it told me if they really knew me, if they really saw me like I see myself, they wouldn’t love me.

Ouch.

That lie hurts probably the most because it’s a half-truth. Thank fucking god nobody else sees me the way I see myself right now, right? Because I’m only seeing myself through depression-colored glasses, and I don’t like myself. But that’s all a lie too. Depression can be clever like that. Using its own lies to trick me into believing more of them.

I tried to tell my depression about my career as a writer and how much joy it brings me—and depression told me it was just an accident, I didn’t deserve it, and someday I would wake up to discover everyone was really laughing at me. Then, depression giggled a little bit and told me: Maybe even today. Go read some one star reviews of your books. I’ll wait. My depression thinks I’m a masochist, and maybe it’s right, because I went along with it. I also read some five star reviews of my books, and depression told me those people were lying. I closed the tab and resolved not to read any more book reviews ever again.

Okay, I lied too.

Depression likes to make me feel bad about being depressed. Depression told me I don’t deserve to be depressed. It told me that since my life was so great, I should just get over myself and get out of the shower and stop fucking crying already, WHY ARE YOU STILL CRYING IF YOUR LIFE IS SO GOOD? You have a good life, you have friends, you’re healthy. Other people have cancer. Other people fight in wars. Other people are fleeing wars. Children and puppies die in horrible ways and you know this because you saw photos on Facebook. How DARE you think you have the right to hurt?

Depression gives good guilt trip.

But that’s a lie too.

Depression isn’t a person. Does not have a voice. Cannot be argued with in the shower.

Depression is brain chemistry, and it’s not about how good or bad other people’s lives are. It’s about my brain, and the guilt trip is a lie. I feel this way because this is how my brain works, and it has nothing to do with anything happening out there in the world.

It’s just my brain.

Depression told me this blog post is stupid.

 

 

 

 

 

 


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16 thoughts on “Lies My Depression Told Me Today

  • CJane Elliott

    Thank you for this post. I also suffer from depression and one of the other things depression says is “no one else is like this. Look at them all out there being productive and happy. Why can’t you be like them?” Your post is so important for people like us to see and to know it isn’t just me. Also DEPRESSION LIES.

    Thanks again.

  • IndD82

    Wonderful post. I am currently go through a major depressive episode involving intensive outpatient treatment and I can’t tell you how much I admire that you have written so openly about a stigmatized disease! It takes real courage to open up publicly about mental illness. Also, you have shown me a new way to frame my depressive thoughts – as lies the monster that is this disease poisons our mind with. Thank you so much for sharing this – especially at such a timely moment for me (and probably lots of others)!! <3 <3 <3

  • Amy Lane

    Depression is such a fucker. But you– you are all that is amazing. This post is BEAUTIFUL and painful and brave. Please continue to fight such a merciless foe in the brain chemistry. YOU are so worth every breath happy or unhappy breath you draw, every good wish, every wave of love ever wished upon you. Don’t listen to 1* reviews and don’t listen to your depression– and forgive yourself when you do both because you’re only human, and we ALL do at one point or another. You are not alone.

    (((hugs)))

    Amy

  • Nickie

    Hey depression! Fuck OFF! You’re just jealous that Happiness is stronger than you. It might be off in the corner right now licking its wounds because you have a mean right hook, I’ll give you that. But what you don’t realize? Happiness is a fighter. Happiness is a winner, and not the Charlie Sheen version of winning either. Happiness is playing the long game right now. Happiness is the tortoise to your hare and you WILL tire soon. You WILL be forced to take a break and when you do? Happiness will be there, as sure as the sun rises, to keep moving forward and beat you at this game called life. So enjoy your moment, you skanky, weak, pathetic loser, because that moment is all you get once Happiness takes the lead. And it will, oh boy it so will.

    To my friend – hang in there. It’s a marathon, not a sprint and you hit the wall, but your second wind is coming soon. Love you babe!

  • jodi

    Oh yes Fuck you Depression (and paranoia), says the spouse who lives with this bitch. This was gloriously beautifully painfully well said. Hugs to you! Thank you for sharing.

  • Shannon

    beautifully put. Thanks for voicing this. Though I’m sorry you’re hurting too, it makes the lies clearer to know that depression is telling the same goddamn lies to EVERYBODY who suffers from it. It’s a cut and paste job! It doesn’t even try to personalize! It’s almost like a form letter addressed to “occupant.” And somehow that makes it easier to see through its bullshit. Thanks for daring to be vulnerable.
    btw, I found your blog randomly through twitter, and I’m glad I did.

  • Erika

    Oh depression. We are great friends too, but I manage to fight mine with a steady diet of Kpop (so fun! So bright and shiny! Such great music and so much stuff to look at and read about!) and good books. Right now I’m trying to fight off some depression so my first thought was to head to Twitter for a Kpop fix. Instead I made my way to this post, but this is good too. This reminds me that I’m not alone.

    And yeah: fuck you, depression!